Backtracking: A prayer for contentment

Continued from previous post...

After we visited the doctor in January of 2007, we decided to wait to move forward until we spent some more time in prayer. We wanted to feel comfortable with our decision. In November of that same year we went back to the doctor to revisit our options. Our doctor put me on Clomid (a fertility medication) and Metformin (which is a diabetic drug but would help me ovulate). We also did an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Unfortunately, it didn't take. After about 2 1/2 years of disappointment, we thought this wouldn't be any different. For me (Kristin), it was devastating. I was so confident that it would work, and when it didn't, I was hesistant to keep moving forward. With Blake's encouragement and more prayer, we decided to try again. My doctor changed some of my medications, and we tried again in December. We received the same results. I was really beginning to think that this wasn't going to work, and we were just wasting money. Blake and I talked about other options like adoption or in vitro fertilization (IVF). We argued and prayed for days. We seemed to be at a stalemate wanting to go different ways.

At this point, I was angry with God. It felt unfair that so many other people could get pregnant and I couldn't. I wondered if it was something Blake or I did. I was a "good kid" growing up, I deserved this. I believed in God, I followed Him, and yet He didn't feel like I did. That's how I felt at least, which should have told me I needed to grow up a little more before I was ready to have a kid. God began to break me down from the inside out. My heart had gradually become hardened toward Him, and He was chiseling away at it.

In early January 2008, I finally began to give into Him. My prayer for contentment was stronger than ever. Blake and I were still arguing, but it was definitely not as heated. We even decided to go away together for a few days in February to just reassess and relax.

In mid-January, we decided to try the procedure one last time. We didn't think we could take the disappointment anymore than that. My doctor added some more medications for me to try before and after the procedure, but I did NOT hold my breath for it to work. I just prayed to be okay despite the outcome.

On February 10, 2008, after some STRONG persuasion from Blake, I took a pregnancy test. I assumed I would see only one line on the test like so many times before, but this time there were TWO! I just stared at the test in disbelief. It was a surreal moment for me. I couldn't even speak. I carried the test into the other room to show Blake, and I just held it out for him to see. He immediately began crying and hugged me. All the while I'm still looking at the test making sure the two lines are still there.

It came at the perfect time. God's time. I had already started renewing my relationship with Him , and this news helped to push me forward. He had revealed His grace and glory to me in a way I did not expect.

Blake and I kept our plans in February to go away for a few days, but instead of needing to reassess and relax, we were able to celebrate :-)